I am still perplexed on what happened yesterday. One minute I was under my blankets, planning my dream ice cream parlour and the next I was in a completely new place. Looking around, I could see bright strobe lights and queer looking machines moving around . Taking a few cautious steps forward, suddenly, it hit me. I was in an ice cream parlour! , I couldn’t believe the smell, ice cream glories in every flavour conceivable. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. Stunned into silence, I reached out and gently laid my hand on the nearest machine and a tingle of excitement leaped up my spine.
Year 6 @ New Longton 
WOW!!! This story has a lot of description I like how you thought about using a nice smell not a bad smell. keep up the good work
Wow Jazmin, I wish I could have an experience like that! Thank you for your carefully written piece, which demonstrates a whole heap of writing skills- well done!
I like the variety of ways in which you start, build and vary sentences. I also enjoyed the way you held back some information to reveal as you described the setting; it made me want to read more!
You are already an extremely good writer, but I have got a couple of tips for you.
1. When writing description, try to appeal to as many of the senses as possible.
2. When using adjectives to describe, try writing three similar or related adjectives before the noun.
E.g. Confused, troubled, worried, she didn’t know what had happened.
Good luck with that and keep up the good work!
Mrs Beverley, Team 100wc, Four Elms, Kent, England
Very detailed story, well done!😄😃😀
What a great piece of writing Jazmin. I love your opening two sentences. They really capture the imagination. Your use of words to describe the ice cream parlour leave a magnificent image in the readers mind. And what a sentence to end “a tingle of excitement leaped up my spine”. Keep up the good work,
Note for teacher:
Please complete a sign up form. I’m a little confused – your blog is New Longton Yr.6 but the link on Week#7 says grade 7 at Penwortham Girls School??? Can you help my confusion please?
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Hi Jazmin
Wonderful job on your writing! You took a different approach on using a good smell instead of a bad smell.
Best wishes
Sarah!